monkey's blog

My, my, how time flies...

2007-08-08T08:31:00.000+01:00

Two long years I have been on this planet now... and what a couple of years it's been! Still, my cutie-pie self is bringing in top ratings on ratemykitten.com - of course!!

The B-Day BBQ (TM)

2007-06-24T18:29:00.000+01:00

What can I say, my friends? They have once again invaded my territory, but they have done so to celebrate my fuzzy ass. Life is sweet. See below photos of the second of my birthday barbecues - this time with an extra portion of rain.

IT'S MY BIIIRTHDAAAAY!!!!

2007-06-23T09:51:00.000+01:00

And for the occasion, my meowmy prepared a special shrimp cocktail cake for me, with two chicken stick candles and fish-flavoured cake decorations. Hooray!!

Here's photos of me devouring the pretty little thing:

[one candle down, one to go]

[fangs!]

[there goes candle number two]

Get Ready Peeps!

2007-06-22T20:42:00.000+01:00

Kitten Sleepover

2007-06-07T22:43:00.000+01:00

As if a toad and the planning of the year's most important event wasn't enough, my house has now been turned into a YNCA* for nuts. My resident humans are having what they call "kitten sleepover" to help out the other humans below. What a joke.

Of course there is only one thing to say about such an audacity on my part:

I'M IN UR BEDZ, STEALING YOUR DREAMZZZ!!!!

Oh the beauty of dominance......

Cashew nut and the bike chain also became quite friendly by the way, resulting in an interesting grease tache.

*Young Non-Christian Cats Association

Birtday BBQ Countdown!

2007-06-07T20:01:00.000+01:00

It is time! I am happy to announce that all official invitations to my second birthday BBQ have gone out today. Thus, the official countdown to the year's biggest event also begins with this very post.

17 days and counting, people!!

Out-rageous!

2007-06-06T22:08:00.000+01:00

As if I needed more proof that my resident humans were demented and insane... they have just brought into the house a non-mammal of the "hunted" category.

"Mr. Toad" as they call him was rescued only minutes ago from Troublenut outside who tried to pat-pat-pat him to death.

Follows not a quick throwing over the fence, no! They decide to lock me out of my eating quarters and treat the cold, squishy blob to a photo shoot on the dining table.

Mr. Toad got his own back for which I would almost respect him, was he not what I consider an appetiser... as he lept towards the lense, my female tormentor screamed such a high-pitched scream that it could only be rewarded with a wet patch on the dining surface. And I leave to your imagination to work out what kind of wet patch I am talking about.

Oh, I would also like to be the first to announce the scientific discovery that toads can, in fact, hear.

Namaste.

I declare W.A.R.

2007-03-14T01:12:00.000Z

Things have gone too far. I am sharpening my claws and preparing for retaliation. 'Nuff said.

Nuts

2007-03-10T21:18:00.000Z

It's been far too long since I've posted anything here, and I do apologise. But can you blame me? The answer to this, my friends, is NO.

I was abandoned over Christmas and forced to spend the oh so joyous holidays with two nuts. This is what they're called, and it is what they are.

So while my resident humans left for a place far away to stuff their hairless faces, I spent most of the time with the other humans and the above mentioned nuts downstairs. Being on their home turf at least allowed me to exert some dominance and put them in their place. But it's still a disgrace to expect me to share the same space with such small and scurried buggers. Below are a few sample snapshots I manages to acumulate during the time they've been inhabiting what is naturally MY space. Stay tuned for more.

The Nuts, trying on The Cute

Troublenut - All fur, no brains.

Yin Yang, Schming Schmang

Fuzz

Red light district

In the bag

It's Christmas, dah'link!

2006-12-24T20:00:00.000Z

Dah'links!!

What a fabulous time of year we have! You stuffing your insatiable faces like the turkey on your Christmas table makes me look positively slender and sleek!

No better time to don the newest in feline winter fashion, ah non!? It's mah'vellous.

Merry smeggin' Christmas y'all!

News from the Hood

2006-12-06T08:24:00.000Z

Peeps and peepettes,

The unimaginable has happened. My very own Hood has been invaded by two scrawny little woozy buggers, one of which actually has the audacity to be black. They're both nuts.

So just remember this, fuzzy little brats:

I'M IN UR YARD, WATCHIN' UR BACKZ!!

Shoes on my cat

2006-10-18T08:53:00.000+01:00

Dear felinetists, I am back.

Due to popular demand, no less!

Excuse my lengthy absence, but I was indisposed. Buried up to my head in, well, shoes.

The B-Day BBQ (TM)

2006-06-30T12:35:00.000+01:00

Here it is, my friends: Proof that life is good when you're a cat. My evil tormentors have finally acknowledged my superiority and organised a gathering to celebrate the greatness that I am.

It has been the most delightful of afternoons tho of course I did all in my powers not to show my delight or appreciation for their efforts. Keeping my distance, I could much better observe the form of worship for my feline self. See for yourself.

And here they are, my trusting subjects:

Namaste.

Party Time!

2006-06-26T13:37:00.000+01:00

Long time no see, my friends. But fear not, I am alive and well!

For the past weeks, I have been observing my resident humans with great interest - and secret happiness, for I am more and more certain that they are, indeed, idiots. But forgive me if I don't have time to elaborate on all their fatuousness for it was also PARTY TIME!

Yes, dear friends, I have now entered adulthood with heaps of expensive food and a party to match (eat your hearts out, evil tormentors!).

Here's my birthday cake of tuna flakes and shrimp with a snack stick candle and cat grass garnish:

Me enjoying my birthday cake:

Moving to the floor:

Birthday cake, the aftermath:

I even got a Catnip Monkey as a present. (I love him to DEATH.)

Salmon flakes with cat gass for supper:

Chillin' after the meal:

B-Day BBQ Party update to follow.

Spaghetti a la Gatto

2006-05-17T16:48:00.000+01:00

They feed me, they pet me, they brush me. WHY does no one realise I am being TORTURED!!

Allow me to let you in on a secret here. I HAVE to eat. If I don't eat their food, I will lose my strength and full mental capacity. I do not eat their food out of CHOICE. Remember that the one time I had a chance at feeding myself, they captured, named and released my food in the wild!

My dignity is approaching zilch. You have already seen the infeline humiliation they have subjected me to in the past weeks. They delight in my suffering and rage.

Now they have reached a new level of torture. No longer are they spending time fashioning hats and helmets out of beloved household utensils. I'm being dressed in their SUPPER!

Fellow felines of the world, hear my call. Honour the late Filippo Tommaso Marinetti, absorb his superb vision! May their spaghettis tie their throats, their tortellinis weigh down their bellies, and may their tagiatelle flap inside them in disgust!

They can wrap my head in pasta but they cannot tie down my thoughts!

Ham Solo's Invasion

2006-05-16T09:49:00.000+01:00

It has been a long and tiring night. An intruder has entered my territory and I was busy keeping him at bay. It was not until the morning when one of my lazy resident humans got out of bed that I could relax.

Obviously they all speak the some secret evil language as my dominatrix persuaded the intruder to jump from his safe spot on top of the doorframe into a cooking pot. It makes sense: I have always known my tormentors are no better than vermin.

And this is all the thanks I get for a sleepless night of terrorising the bloody rat: They name him Ham Solo (in memory of Cheese, a previous resident vermin), feed him cheese (I LIKE CHEESE!) and release him into the idyllic shrubbery that is Camden Gardens.

For me? Not even a snack. I am on what they call diet.

Off with their heads!

Hack Attack!

2006-05-15T20:23:00.001+01:00

Dee time has come! My evil torrmentorrs have left cyberspace and now eet ees MINE! ALL MINE!

Here, I will update you on my torrmentorrs whereabouts, actions and moods. And soon, with your help, we can take over ze worrld!

Check back for updates.

Namaste.

That's all, folks!

2006-05-15T15:21:00.000+01:00

What can I say?

My bloggin life has been sweet - but it shall remain short. I have to aknowledge that it is not for me to try and make a lasting impact on virtual life by the current posting of insightful thoughts so I am herewith resigning from this official blogspace.

Thank you to the few who have visited it for reading my virtual outpours and therewith trying to validate my existence. You did all you could.

Over and out.

Don Piano!

2006-05-02T13:29:00.000+01:00

Another entry after just a few days!? This doesn't happen every day people so relish in it! But there is a very good reason for this too. His name is Don Piano.

Grapefruits and Other Torture

2006-04-28T16:38:00.000+01:00

Dee time has come, my frieenz!

After a rather successful round of GrapefruitTorture (TM) comes a whole series of Tortures, delivered straight to your doorstep! Desktop, whatever.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the tortured creature, please meet Monkey aka. Monkey Poo aka. Booger aka. Boogerino aka. Bubu aka. Foodwhore! Really, you can call him anything as long as you feed him. And even then he won't listen.

Please enjoy: BagTorture (TM), MelonTorture (TM), and SteelTorture (TM).

Thank you.

The Japanese Have Balls

2006-04-25T13:07:00.000+01:00

Considering I can barely keep up with writing e-mails, I really don't know why I've taken up blogging. It's been nearly two weeks since my last meagre post! And this site still has no meaning. I wonder if this is postmodern?

I've been thinking about posting a few things here but never actually got my ass to the computer while any form of inspiration was still alive within me. Now is no exception but I thought I should elaborate on testicles anyway.

I've been thinking about them off and on ever since I watched 平成狸合戦ぽんぽこ, Pom Poko. How come our folk tales are so boring, gruesome at best, while the Japanese incorporate all the fun things in theirs?

Like testicles! Come on people, they even make Tanuki FLY! These cute little racoon dogs would be so much less intriguing without them.

So you gotta give it up to the Japanese. They really know their cute, and have a wicked folklore. As for the testicles, it really makes sense. They are undeniably one of the most important parts of our culture and existence:

1. They serve as brains for 3,248,080,000 pepole, that's 50.26% of the entire world's population!
2. In the English language, testicles or balls are synonymous with courage.
3. With a little help from their ovarian counterparts, testicles are responsible for the reproduction of the human race, and much of the animal kindgom.

Think about it, people!

Reality

2006-04-13T07:25:00.000+01:00

"...reality seemed to have left me and was now wandering around nearby. I hope it can find me..."

- Haruki Murakami, The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle, (Vintage, 2003)

Hamster

2006-04-10T12:21:00.000+01:00

All existential questions aside for the moment, I want to introduce you to Hammy the Hamster. I found him through the ever-so-delightful Cuteoverload and want to share him with the rest of the world.

Who needs self-doubts and philosophical enquiries into human existence when you have something small, furry and cute!??

Tabula Rasa

2006-04-10T11:32:00.000+01:00

Everyone and their mother has a blog these days, so why not me. It can't be very difficult.

This is where I went wrong.

Setting this site up was easy enough but then came the gaping emptiness of the blank page.. what on earth do I write about? I do a great deal of moaning and ranting throughout each and every day of my life, some of it quite intelligent stuff, if I may say so myself. I should have something to say, something to contribute to the world. I mean, hamsters have their own blogs/websites, for goodness sake (and damn good ones at that)!

But there's nothing, still nothing I want to dedicate this blog to.

No matter how satisfied or unsatisfied you are with your life, this is a point at which you start questioning your existence. At least I do. Is my life really so meaningless that I have nothing to say? And if so, would a mere blog add meaning to my life? Or are bloggers the empty creatures of this world, devoid of human interaction perhaps, and chanelling their time and energy in one of millions of similar meaningless websites? I mean, who reads this stuff anyway?